Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
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spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
🤣🤣🤣
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*