In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
is frankincense just very honest incense?
same energy
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok