If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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I falcon love using swear birds
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan