*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
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My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
You have been warned.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops