TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
You Might Also Like
Finally!
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
this will hang in the louvre one day
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁