Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
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The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Extremely relatable.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team