Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Software Development ⛵️
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.