Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Personal question. #JustSaying
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse