Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Not😆🤣
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
oh no, steve’s working tonight