@weinerdog4life: Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
@AmandaDuberman: Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
@AndrewChamings: [at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend] HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea? ME: Remains to be seen.