Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today