Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme br没l茅e lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I can鈥檛 tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that鈥檚 illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I鈥檒l take it from here boys
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 馃檪-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
how to market bottled water to dads
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I鈥檇 take a bullet for anyone
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?