Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
You Might Also Like
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”