Tier 3 meme
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME