*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
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If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
This is painfully accurate 😅
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday