Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
You Might Also Like
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
All. The. Damn. Time.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.