Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Jail
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
sir, my pâté if you please
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.