I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
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I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick