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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn鈥檛 any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn鈥檛 going to mention names because that won鈥檛 solve anything.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn鈥檛 scared she was testing to see if I鈥檇 snitch
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I鈥檓 supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn鈥檛 right, but I鈥檓 close. I can feel it.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
wife: where鈥檚 the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where鈥檚 the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.