[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.