*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
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Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show