neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
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I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend