Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months