Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.