@DaveAhdoot: Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
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@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
@blazed_ncis: *going through mail* "bills bills bills bills bills" "I think I'll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine."