Art by Pastelkatto
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Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.