Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
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my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
my professor scared me for a second