Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….