Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
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[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT