TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.