TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds