[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
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discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Whoa 😂
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.