I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
#Caturday
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
My first child will be named New Folder.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.