On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
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Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.