@JermHimselfish: Time flies when a falcon steals your wristwatch.
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@electrolemon: "let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars" - cops
@murrman5: [roommate watching me get ready] dont take that with you "why not" why would you "it'll be fine" [hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle. WIFE: Please don't. ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*