@TheTweetParrot: Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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@InternetHippo: If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
@KatieBurnett: Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald's pick up an appropriate amount of napkins - you're cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
@PostCultRev: I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
@Cheeseboy22: My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M's for dinner. I was like, "You saw the banana, right?"