@TheTweetParrot: Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@FlipPrincesss: Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies? I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
@Douchekevin: At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that's not my wifes phone number at all. She's zero fun today
@naughtywriter2: I have a friend whose thighs don't touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
@Rebecca8672: Awkward=when autocorrect changes 'sooner' to 'sober' so email to 8 yr. old's teacher reads "I apologize for not getting back to you sober"