Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”