Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Aight bet
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.