“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Just had my nails done!
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device