If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
You Might Also Like
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Some of y’all tomorrow …
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.