@pinupteacher: Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.
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@BradBroaddus: Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
@RoosterMustache: *emailing professor after exams* it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot
@TravLeBlanc: My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.