over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
You Might Also Like
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.