Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.