Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
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You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?