TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You Might Also Like
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD