[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
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In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
me irl
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
The struggle is real.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors