*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
dream blunt rotation
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?