*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I hope they boil the right one.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man