Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.