Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
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Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog