Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am