@KalvinMacleod: Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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@wendchymes: Friend: I haven't had sex in years! Me: meh, join the club Friend: I haven't had coffee in 5 days! Me: DEAR GOD!!!
@staceys55: Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't any." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"