Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
buys donuts instead
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Waiting for the Charmin
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”