@withanewname: Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
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@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.
@Mikecanrant: I dropped out of law school when I found out that badgering the witness has nothing to do with throwing woodland creatures at defendants.
@curlycomedy: Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don't know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
@MichaelLarrick: Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They'd be like "did you get my text?" and you could just be like "I can't read."